sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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