8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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