Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
