they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
