I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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