Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
