sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
