Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
