you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
