booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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