I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i drank out of a bidet.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
