your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
