Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
