i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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