yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.