conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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