put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
