If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
