oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
