I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
