Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
