Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
