My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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