There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When did angry sex become our thing?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
