Only a mothe r could love this liver
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
