your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
