i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
