It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
