And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
