sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
