I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
