So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
