She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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