the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
