just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
