my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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