I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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