I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
