I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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