Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
