I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
