my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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