it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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