Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
