I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
