he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
