So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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