i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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