Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
