Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
