It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
