call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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