Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In other news, I just burned my penis
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
