My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
